Life today

This will become a brain and heart dump for me. Not sure how to start, but I know that write I MUST. Being a widow is strange. Heart breaking and not how I pictured my life at the age of 37. Of course I didn't sign up to be the wife of a drug addict or an abuser and yet I was. And now, after a course that wasn't what I thought of or planned on, here I am, a WIDOW. It still cuts deep every time I am asked my marital status, widow. College football started on Saturday, Tyler's best friend was home from the Army, Blake's girlfriend was home from college and for the first time in months I felt at peace. Then it struck me, football, someone was missing. And the peace within left quickly. Tears, my eyes filled with large elephant tears that begged to be wept but stuck to my eyes like glue. Approaching 7 months, I can honestly say the first 6 months were a fog and I imagine I will look back on the next six months and it will be a fog as well. Two days after my birthday my co-workers took me to lunch, at lunch I felt a touch in the middle of my back. I looked over both shoudlers and noone. Everyone at the table noticed and when asked I shrugged it off to them, but he was there. I feel him all the time, sometimes at night I ask him to lay with me, those are the nights that I sleep well. In two years time I have lost my mom, my husband and my mother-in-law. My children have lost so much and what hurts me the most is I CAN'T fix it for them. It is with the upmost confidence I can tell you that God is in every second of our days. His love and healing has been present in the months, days and minutes of our days. Dalton decided to tell me last night that he thinks I should start dating again. Absolutely not going to happen any time soon. I know that I have lots of healing and soul searching to do before I can allow someone else to enter our lives. Filling out school emergency paperwork was gut-wrenching as well. I left the father's information section blank. The thought crossed my mind to write deceased, but thought it would be seen as improper by the school. And why would I intentionally bring hurt to another person after the things I have endured. With tears and love, S