The boys...and the new haircut

Ok.... I went and got it cut again... I got another 5 inches off....this is the cut that I love if it is short.... My hair is naturally curly and boy does it bounce in this cut and with the humid weather.
We had a decent weekend despite the unusally hot weather. Tyler and Blake went to their dads Friday night and came home Sunday. They walked in the Memorial Day Parade yesterday and played some ball in the afternoon.
Got the air conditioner fixed (yeah to Jeff). I put it in Sunday morning and it did not start.....I thought I was going to have to buy a new one. I got this one from Jeff (husband's best friend) and his wife, Brenda, she is a gem. I will have to post a picture of him (he is adorable).
More ball games all week, I love watching my boys play ball.

Overwhelmed with emotion

Mourn and be comforted.....

Grief is a partner to sin for the poor in spirit.
Mourning flushes out pride.
Roots of conceit are plucked out and the heart is softened.
Mourning gives room for comfort. Those who never sorrow will never know the joy of comfort that the Holy Spirit brings.
Our points of grief over sins and failures are blessed because they are the point of contact with the Divine Comforter.

Matthew 5:3-6
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

As I mourn, I am comforted by Him. He holds every tear and bears every burden, I have to give them to Him ..... and let them go. I am quick to cry lately as God softens my heart to the storm I am in. I do not want to hate him (husband), I just want to live a life glorifing to God, is that so much to ask from my husband?

Frustrated and Proud

Frustrated...... that husband is missing the boys games.....
Happy..... Dalton hit the ball twice off the pitching machine last night.... Yeah....

Updated photos of the 3 musketeers...

Tyler, with bat in one hand, walkie-talkie in the other. Dalton looking all to happy to be at his ball game.
Blake eating (as always, growing like a weed) mac and cheese.

Poor in Spirit

Matthew 5:3-6
3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

1. Poor in Spirit - theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
a. Heaven has no peers in its presence.
b. The poor in Spirit have learned to esteem others better than themselves and so they make more withdrawls than deposits in their interactions with others.
c. Each of us have a spirit that chases after the highest commodities, reaches for the wealth of itself, and strives not to be poor but rich in the estimation of others.
d. A discipline in spirit modifies those ambitions and refocuses the motives of its economy striving to be poor rather than enter the rat race of self promotion.
e. To be poor in spirit is to allow the Holy Spirit to show you a realistic picture of yourself. When looking into the mirror of God's righteousness visions of our wickedness bury our pride.
f. Honest viewings of self make being poor in spirit a realistic goal.
i. Three hindrances to being poor in spirit.
1.Comparative attitude
2.Critical ambitions
3.Conflicting affirmations
ii. Three helps to being poor in spirit.
1.Crushed aptitude
2.Crucified aspirations
3.Constant appreciation
iii. The pursuit of happiness actually begins with a pursuit to be poor in spirit.
g. Theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
i. Present tense
ii. The rights and privileges of divine royalty are afforded to those who are poor in spirit.
iii. Only those who understand their human right has no right to the kingdom are allowed to posses the kingdom.
iv. This is the ultimate prize for any mortal - to poses the kingdom of Heaven.

Why be embarrassed to shed a tear?

I have to say that I belong to a great church, and a great Sunday school class. It is called Women of the Word, or WOW. It is women from our church, about 10 actually, all different ages and all different experiences, with one thing in common, their love for the Lord. Our teacher, Pat, is wonderful and thoughtful, and God-fearing. She is going with her husband for the summer to their lake home and will not be teaching our class until the fall. I was emotional about this. If there is one thing I am, it's structured. I love routine. Even with the boys and all of the craziness from our schedules, I love routine. Every Sunday, I get up go to church, drop the boys off at their classes and settle in my same ol' chair next to Pat every week. Over the course of the past year and a half I have missed 3 Sunday's, and hated it. So the Lord continues to teach, without Pat. She and I are having lunch today so I can talk to her. She has been where I am, and survived with a faith and love for the Lord that I pray for. So her counsel I seek, knowing that it will be God'd word that she will give.
So emotional I leave class and head to the auditorium for service, the message was powerful, truthful, humbling and convicting. I cried. Trying to wipe the tears before anyone could see them. Why? Does not matter what other's think, God knows my heart. So I cried, and cried some more. Glad that God was there, holding my hand, wanting to hold my hand in His and comfort.
The message yesterday was great, it was about being poor in spirit, I will post it later.

Thanks for all who read, comment and pray. I am blessed to witness and to be witnessed to by followers of Christ.

Nightmares

I continue to have nightmares about my husband's addiction and the fact is in all the dreams I am pleading with him to stop the drug use. This was not uncommon during the past few years and neither was his abuse to get the money to do the drugs. I just want the dreams to stop. I don't sleep well anyway, and then to have these dreams when I do sleep. Arrrggghhhh, makes for a grouchy mama bear. So now my partner in crime (we both work on the GameStop account) Alan always tells people "Don't poke the bear" in the morning. Ha Ha. He thinks that he is so funny. He actually is a really good guy.
So I have prayed, and will continue to pray until these nightmares stop. My sister-in-law says that it is my mind working out the trauma becasue I am too busy to stop and deal with all that has happened. Maybe it is just that I don't want to. Not sure, either way, I am tired and just want some sleep.

Worship Time

Ok, I have to admit, I am slacking. I know it, I feel it, and I want to change it. I am a multi-tasker, I have three children, a full-time job, one dog, and one cat. Not that the dog and cat take up a lot of time, but they need to feel love too. So I am asking for advice, where do I fit in more worship time. I pray when I first wake up, you know, before getting vertical. I pray in the shower, I pray on the way to work, on the way home from work, any time I am in the car. It is just not enough for me. Any suggestions.

Happy Mom's Day ( a little late)

I want to wish everyone a Happy Mom's Day!
Genesis 2: 20-23
20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

It was a great message at church yesterday. About God creating woman, her role, and most of all about love and faith. A mother's job is love and spiritual inspiration. Our pastor comes from a large family and his dad is also a wonderful pastor. He told us that someone once asked him "Who has been your biggest inspiration from a spiritual view point?" Our pastor said his mom. What an awesome responsibility the Lord gives us. He trusts us with His children, and then trusts US (sinners) to teach those same children about Him. I will stand in front of God and hear Him take account for all of my sins, and yet, not teaching my children of Him and His Son is not a statement that I want to be in judgment of. I want to teach my children love, His love, faith, hope, prayer, giving, forgiveness, repentance, kindness, meekness, peace, fruitfulness, righteousness, and most importantly the Word. I know that the quickest way to teach all these things.... to live them....
What an awesome thought that God created man and said...He is not complete.... and He created woman and then He provides a way for us to spend eternity with Him.
1 Timothy 2 4-6
4 Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth.
5 For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;
6 Who gave himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time.

Great Song, how true!

MercyMe - So Long Self
From the album Coming Up To Breathe

Well if I come across a little bit distant
It's just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand
Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me say

Chorus:
So long self Well it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long self
There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long self
Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me farewell
Oh well, Goodbye, don't cry
So Long Self

Stop right there because I know what your thinking
But no we can't be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end
And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this
Oh, can't you see

Chorus:(4x’s)
Farewell, Goodbye
Oh so long self

How thankful!

Let's review my day.

Got up, got shower, went to basement to change load in washer and dryer, dryer making an awful screeching, grinding sound. Arrghh... so take clothes out, hang on hangers in basement (rain in forecast). Great.....now have to change belt on dryer.
Come to work... very busy... go to bank to get car put into my name...no dice from the bank...discouraged.. on the way back to work, I visualized myself looking to God, as a little child looks to parents with that tear in my eye, and an attempt at a smile, as to say, I need some encouraging here. Feeling him lift my chin, and comfort. Ok... so back to work..now an extreme chaos in the afternoon.... go home.... Ah.. home.... mother-in-law calls..answer.. to hear husband on the other end...asking me to take his brand new clothes to his moms...say no.. I am taking them back (I bought them) and getting my money back... to which he replies....F****** B****... about 10 times... tells me that he does not want me to use HIS name anymore and to file for divorce. HA HA... what a joke right. That bugs me as I have not called him names and have not bad mouthed him through our entire marriage.... so I again...raise my sad little face to God, he lifts my chin and comforts again. I play catch with Tyler for a bit, and then in the house to the dryer.
So, now let me tell you about my dad. My dad, he taught me that even though I am a girl, there is nothing that I can't fix with my own two hands and the right tools. So I get the tools and dig in. And praise that Lord for the dad I have. My dryer belt not broken, so I dig further to discover that half a pencil made it's way into the vent of the dryer and was grinding on the fan blade. Praise the Lord, one less bill. Yeah. So hat's off to my dad, who encouraged me to be a tom-boy, let me hang on his heels growing up and taught me not to not fear any machine. And hat's off to my Father who is Faithful, and Loving Always.

My Intentions

I feel that I need to say that by my writing about who I am and my past, I am in no means trying to offend anyone, and I do not want anyone to feel that I don't want them to read my writings.

Becky, I love you, you are my favorite Aunt, and I do not want you to stop reading. I just want all of the family who read this to not have their feelings hurt. I love everyone, but it is time to be honest with myself and about myself. There are some things about me that no one knows, and if some know, they are in serious denial. So with that said..... I will start this journaling process over the next few weeks.

To everyone following along, let me say in advance thank you, for encouraging me to take this leap of faith, and step out on a limb, relying on Jesus to hold me up. It is scary and secure all at the same time.

I need You to Love me

This song hits the nail on the head today.

I Need You To Love Me
------Barlow Girl

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

It's all about perspective!

Through my writings over the past few days I have come to realize a couple of things. One is that there truly is no such thing as normal. And that it is all about perspective. There is no doubt that I have made some very bad decisions, and I have and am dealing with the consequences from them. However, it is all about the view point you take. I could blame others and give up, and just wallow in self pity, or I can ask Jesus to help me get up, brush myself off and move forward with my eyes on eternity.
Now, as for the writing, I may refrain from posting them for a while. If I post what my true feelings are some feelings may get hurt. I know that some of my family read this blog and I do not want to just post these writings and have them take it the wrong way and hard feelings.
So I may just start off light and give some background info first.

Oh and it is official, it does say something on my forehead.... just not sure what yet...
A very nice, older (much) man asked me to dinner or a movie yesterday. For those of you who don't know me very well, I am very out spoken. Often the thoughts that come to mind spew out of my mouth, but over the past couple of years I have developed what I call the Barker mouth filter, which inserted correctly catches all of the things that are not supposed to be heard before they escape my mouth. The filter worked fine yesterday, when this man approached me with his offer, I politely said that I was flattered and that I was not in a position to even think about dating because I am still married. He nicely said to keep him in mind.
Now what I wanted to say was.... Are you kidding me?.....I have not filed for divorce and here you are striking while the kettle is hot and in a church none the less...
See, if God can change me and quiet this mouth....well He is in the business of miracles...
Scripture for the day...
I Peter 3:10-18
10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.
13 And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?
14 But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;
15 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:
16 Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ.
17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.
18 For Christ also hath once suffered for sins, the just for the unjust, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh, but quickened by the Spirit:

Thanks for the advice

I just wanted to thank everyone for the great advice! I know exactly what has to be done. Truthful yet firm.
My scripture for the day....Psalm 16

Psalm 16
1 Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust.
2 O my soul, thou hast said unto the LORD, Thou art my Lord: my goodness extendeth not to thee;
3 But to the saints that are in the earth, and to the excellent, in whom is all my delight.
4 Their sorrows shall be multiplied that hasten after another god: their drink offerings of blood will I not offer, nor take up their names into my lips.
5 The LORD is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.
6 The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.
7 I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.
8 I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
10 For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.
11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

Bum Magnet

On Sunday, I received a phone call from a man (Tom) who was in jail with my husband last year. He was calling to see how he was. After the initial shock he took, he talked to me about how he has given His life to the Lord, and he is changing his ways. Well, yesterday I got a letter from him, with his picture in it. I was flattered and then annoyed. Can someone tell me, in the picture below does my forhead say Bum Magnet. I am glad that this man feels a "connection" to me, but I am not looking to have a relationship of any kind with another addict for a long while.
I know that is selfish, yet I have lots of healing to do, and will not be a very encouraging spiritual partner to any addict right now. So tell me if that is rude.

Ask and you shall receive!

Here they are.... sorry they are not the best photos in the world. The one on the left shows the layering around the face (sorry for the up the nose shot). And the one on the right shows just how short it is now. Just imagine another 6 inches or so. YIKES. Don't even look at the messy desk either.

We Live and We Learn (well some of us)

OK! I will let you all in on a little secret. Did you know that your Achilles tendon actually runs around the bottom of your heal? I didn't either until yesterday, while at the doctor because I tore mine, right behind the arch of my foot on the bottom. Yep, that's right, on my heal. So in about 3-4 weeks when that heals, I will be doing the exercises shown in the picture on the left. AARRRGGGHHH. The doctor actually said, "well you know that you are no spring chicken anymore". To which I blankly looked at him and said "I am not dead, therefore I play". Long story short, I am out of commission for a while. Doc says 3-4 weeks, I say 1-2.

On to the afternoon. I got a $100 check for child support the other day, and after I regained conscienceness I decided that I was going to use it to get my hair cut. Now, I know that is not what the money is for, but you have to understand that I have not had a hair cut for over a year and a half. I simply haven't had the money, and to save money on haircuts, I bought a set of clippers and I cut the boys hair myself, and well I just don't get mine cut. Not even a trim. So I went yesterday and let this amazingly patient woman cut my hair. I work with her husband and another woman in the office had gone to her and highly recommended her. Long hair short, (long story short HE HE) she had to cut about 6-7 inches off the get it back to the healthy part. So now my hair hangs about 5 inches past the shoulders and is cute as a button (well at least when she did it). She cut and layered and thinned and it was great. Just the little pick me up I needed yesterday.
We had our first softball game last night (I play on the church league, well for the next couple weeks now I cheer for them). We played a team the only team that we have not beaten ever. Let me tell you, the selfish, competitive player that I am was praying for a win. I keep the scorebook for the team last night, which was good because it kept me from jumping up and down. The game was a close one and we lost by one run in extra innings. 14-13. It was a victory for our team, as we have never given Bertrand Bible such a good game. The Lord blesses above and beyond what we ask for. He is good, always.
So now that I am laid up and the boys have been hand over fist offering assistance around the house, I may concentrate on my writing.
I have this scripture hanging on the door so it is the last thing I see on my way out of the house -
Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
God Bless all of you for the kind words and support! I thank the Lord every day for ALL He gives.

So here I go!

Ok, I always feel better when I write my feelings and things that I have experienced, so......I will be going back a few years and writing about my life. Focusing on the Lord and how it all lead me to Him, and now I want everything to glorify the Lord. My sister-in-law has been encouraging me to start this process as it will help me heal, I just haven't been ready until now. I will more than likely start the writings at home and then come back later and post them here. I would appreciate prayer about this, as this will be healing and will be hard to handle at some points.
On a different note, I am meeting with the Pastor tonight. Just to talk. So forward I march with the full armour of God.